The FMA Darwin Awards
by Muten Azuki
Summary: Every major FMA character shall die! In a fairly retarded fashion. Or at least become sterile. This is crack! Flames welcome.
1. Roy

Chapter 1: Roy

It was a saturday night and Roy was just about ready for his evening date. Roy finished by packing his pockets with useful items, such as a pack of lighters, alcohol based hand soap, his "I work for the military and automatically get a discount" card, and an "easy fire creator for the lazy camper". After replacing his slashed tires with new ones he set off to pick up his lucky date. After about 5 minutes of driving horribly, Roy entered the nearest gas station. Roy then began dancing to his favorite song "Baby got Back". Roy then noticed that his tank was finally full so he began to pay for the gas.

"$89.90! Oh well I'll just use my discount card." Roy said while reaching his gloved hand into his pocket in search of his discount card. Unfortunately Roy's glove rubbed against the side of the lighter pack. Roy caught on fire, there was an explosion, and an unhappy lady who was stood up for her saturday evening date.  
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Roy Mustang is given the Darwin Award. He has proven that he is an idiot, and we don't feel like explaining why.


	2. Ed

Chapter 2: Ed

Ed had just returned to the Eastern headquarters, and as usual he had an argument with Roy. Becuase of that, Ed planned for revenge. "Roy has a date with a pretty lady tonight right Al?" Ed asked his brother.

"Uhhh, doesn't he always have a date?"

"Well tonight his date is cancelled."

"What do you mean?"

"I'm going to sabatoge his car. I'll sneak into his garage, slash his tires and be on my way. My plan is perfect!"

"But what if he sees you?"

"He'll be too busy getting ready for his date." After saying this Ed ventured off towards the Colonel's home. Once he managed to find his way there, he snuck into Roy's garage and sliced his car's tires.

"Hah. That was too easy!" Ed exclaimed before hearing the sound of a door opening. "Ah crap I better hide!" Ed exclaimed as he hid under the car. Roy continued into the room and replaced the tires without noticing Ed. After Roy got into his car, Ed began to sneak out of the garage only to be run over by Roy. Too bad Roy's stereo was playing too loud. Either that or he thought Ed was a cat.

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We grant Edward Elric a special Darwin Award for being the smallest man to remove himself from the gene pool.


	3. Riza

Chapter 3: Riza

"Where is he?" Riza asked herself while waiting for Roy to pick her up for their date. It wasn't much later that she heard a large explosion coming from a nearby Valero. "I better check it out!" Riza then hurried towards the gas station with two, or three, or four guns at the ready. Once she got there she found a severly burned, and dead Roy Mustang. "And I didn't get to say goodbye..."

Riza mourned for the next week or so and became an extreme alcoholic. One day while she was practically incapable of walking, Riza devised a plan. She would be able to bid Roy farewell. Even though she was drunk she was capable of creating a floating seat. By strapping large balloons to a chair she planned on riding her way up to the sky in order to say goodbye. Once she believed that she had gotten high enough she left Roy a final message, "You zuck! How guld you sdand up a lady?!" After giving her message Riza popped the balloons and fell to her death.

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Riza is granted the darwin award for not carying an emergency parachute.


	4. Al

Chapter 4: Al

It had been a month since chapter 1 through 3, and everyone had gotten back into their normal routine. Well, almost everyone. Al was still mourning Ed's death. Although sad herself, Winry tried to cheer him up. She eventually asked him to come and relax with her at the beach. Al was surprised and began to think to himself, "Winry's paying attention to me! I haven't been asked on a date since I became like this!"

Al and Winry sat at the beach. They talked of everything, but the past accident. They played in the sand, and sunbathed (well Winry did anyways). Eventually they ventured into the water. Since Ed was no longer there, no one warned Al of what could happen if Al went in too deep. Al became completely submerged by the waves and his blood rune wiped off. Al died.

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Al is given the Darwin Award for being too dumb to look after himself.


	5. Winry

Chapter 5: Winry

Immediately after Al began to sink under the ocean's waves Winry swan towards him. She must not be too bright because she attempted to lift heavy seven foot armour out of the water. She began to drown because she was too stubborn to let the empty armour drift away. Armstrong the lifeguard noticed her predicament and began to run towards her...baywatch style. Armstrong finally pulled the armour and Winry out of the ocean, but he was too late. He held Winry's carcass up in his arms and began to cry very dramatically.

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Winry doesn't get the darwin award, but I needed to kill her off anyways.


	6. Breda and Havoc

Chapter 5: Breda and Havoc

Breda, Havoc, Fallman, and Fuery were having a party. Why? Because all of them had been promoted(except Havoc who just liked to party) because of their superiors deaths. They had a very manly party. They played very manly games such as pin the tail on the donkey and watch paint dry. Eventually they began to plan the manliest game of all Dare or Dare. "I thought it was called _Truth _or Dare?" asked Fuery.

"Real men always choose dare. That's why there's no truth!" Said Havoc, "So, who wants to start?"

"I'll start." said Breda

"Go hug a dog!" said Fallman. Breda hesitantly did so. After hugging the dog for about 5 seconds, he began to convulse. Breda was sent to the hospital.

"Well since Breda's gone...I'll go next!" Havoc exclaimed.

"I have a good one. You have to let us kick you in the crotch for 5 minutes!" Fallman said.

"I don't think that's a good idea." Fuery said.

"Don't worry Fuery! I can't feel anything below the waist anyways. It won't hurt!" Havoc exclaimed again. And so Fallman and Fuery began to kick Havoc in the crotch. After about 5 minutes of being kicked, Havoc's man parts fell off. Breda died the next day. He was deathly allergic to dogs.

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Breda is given the Darwin award for disregarding his allergies. Havoc didn't die, but removed himself from the gene pool thus earning him the Darwin award.


	7. Fallman and Fuery

Chapter 7: Fallman and Fuery

The party was over. Fallman and Fuery left immediately after Havoc's man-parts fell off. They left together in a convertible car. They reached lover's lane after about 10 minutes of cruising. They had a massive and very gay lemon. Scar appeared mid-lemon.

"Ahhhhh…it's scar!" Yelled Fuery.

"I'm disgusted by your immoral actions. As god's right arm of judgment, I shall pass judgment on you. Scar blew up Fallman. Fuery immediately drove away from the scene. Because of the explosion, Fuery was stuck inside of Fallman. After about 15 minutes of driving very badly, Fuery ran into Armstrong. Armstrong pulled Fuery out of Fallman, but Fuery's man-part was ripped off. Fuery bled to death.  
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Fallman and Fuery are given the Darwin award for not noticing the approaching judgment of god.

**Before anyone gets annoyed of Armstrong still breathing, I have a note for you. I'll kill him last.**


	8. Pride

Chapter 8: Pride

The humonculi and Father were on a Field trip. At the zoo. They walked around and compared the animals as humans. "Hey pride, I dare you too kick that bear in the crotch." Envy said.

"First of all, don't call me that. Out here I'm known as Selim."

"Yeah whatever..."

"Secondly, why would I do that."

"Because if you don't, that will make you a chicken!"

"Fine I'll do it. I'm not scared of some stupid bear." after saying this Selim/Pride climbed over a 25 ft fence, snuck behind the eating bear, and kicked it in the crotch. The bear turned around and ate Selim/Pride.

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Pride is given the Darwin award for being too prideful for his own good.


	9. Envy

Chapter 9: Envy

The humonculli and Father were on a field trip. To the fan factory. They walked through the factory and looked in amazement at the fans. Gluttony tried to eat a few employess, Lust tried to woo some, and Sloth was still on the bus.

"Hey new greed." Envy sayed with a smirk

"What do you want ugly?" Greed asked

"I'm going to sneek off. This tour is boring."

"Whatever."

Envy walked around the factory, killed a few employess, and eventually bumbed into the biggest fan in the world.

"I know! I'll turn it on and talk into it. With a fan this huge, my voice should sound really funny!" After saying this Envy turned the fan on. Too bad it was the back side of the fan. It began to suck Envy in like a huge vacuum. He almost got away from his ultimate demise, but was thwarted by his miniskirt. It was caught in the fan. Envy was sucked in and chopped to bits. Above the Fan was a sign. On it was written: Caution! Keep all loose objects and clothing secured!

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Envy is given the Darwin award for being a crossdressing palm tree.


	10. Hohenheim

Chapter 10: Hohenheim

Because Hohenheim is immortal, he often becomes bored. One day he went to a bar and overheard two men's conversation.

"Yeah. They go all the way. I'm not kidding." the first man whispered

"I thought prostitution was illegal." the second man asked

"Shhhh...anyways I'll give you the number..."

Hohenheim listened to the man and wrote down the number. That night he was greeted by Mr.2 bon Clay. They slept together, and on the next day Hohenheim discovered that Mr.2 was actually a transvestite. Hohenheim no longer considered himself a man for sleeping with another man, so he wore a Chasity belt for the next 2000 years. Because there wasn't enough oxygen getting to Hohenheim's crotch, he became sterile.

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Hohenheim is given the Darwin award for mistaking Mr.2 as a woman


	11. Greed

Chapter 11: Greed

Greed wants everything! "I want everything!" Greed said.

He wants money, power, women! "I want money, power, and women!" Greed said again.

Nothing is worthless to Greed! "Nothing is worthless to me!"

One day while Greed was walking through the neighborhood stealing valuable items, he found some guy with a weird grin on his face holding a black notebook.

He wanted it. "I want that!"

Greed then attempted to steal the notebook, but randomly died from 14 massive heart attacks. "Ahhhh...I am randomly dying from 14 massive heart attacks!"

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Greed is given the Darwin award for being to greedy for his own good.


	12. Scar

Chapter 12: Scar

As always Scar was killing state alchemists. One day he saw 4kids Crocodile.

"In order to create sand you must be a powerful alchemist. Most likely a state alchemist!"

Scar began to attack, but 4kids Crocodile created a huge spiraling quicksand thingy.

"What the! What is this some giant sand toilet?!" Scar asked while being sucked in.

"Wow! What an interesting way to look at it. If that's a sand toilet, then that must make you sand doodie!" 4kids Crocodile said.

Scar was flushed.

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Scar is given the Darwin award for not realising that 4kids editing destroys everything. Even him.


	13. Sheska

Chapter 13: Sheska

It had been a long day for Sheska. Even though Hughes was dead, she had a mountain of work left to do. He left her his next three years of paperwork in his will. She had been working nonstop for nineteen hours straight every day, but Sunday in order to finish it all. She was now on her way home. Everything would have went fine, but she was extremely tired and was almost incapable of walking. Sheska was especially clumsy because of this. She began to bump into walls, drop her belongings, and her picture of Roy that she had kept secret from the rest of the world. Sheska began to close her eyes every now and then because of her exhaustion. She tripped over a twig and broke her neck.

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Sheska is given a Darwin award for doing her dead superiors work.


	14. Gluttony

Chapter 14: Gluttony

"Chubby Gluttony sat on a 300 foot wall which was magically capable of supporting his weight."

"Chubby Gluttony was pushed off by the guy who sits inside of the gate."

"All of Father's sacrifices and all of Father's sins, laughed as Chubby Gluttony continued this again and again."

Gluttony fell over and over until he died.

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Gluttony is given the Darwin award for not surviving a nursery rhyme.


	15. Lust

Chapter 15: Lust

Lust believed that she was beautiful, smexy, and maybe even fergilicious. But she had one insecurity. She believed that she was much too pale. So she ventured towards the nearest tanning salon. Once she began tanning she lost track of time and began to melt, much like she did when Roy killed her...but she's alive again. She was helped out of the booth. She then proceeded to kill herself. She believed that someone who had no hair, third degree burns, and the stench of burning flesh was not beautiful enough to be allowed to live.

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Lust is given the Darwin award for sitting in a tan booth for too long.


	16. Elicia

Chapter 16: Elicia

The following story takes place during the time after Maes Hughes' death and during Elicia's teen years.

"Hey Elicia! You want to go out to the movies or something?" Jeremy said.

"Sure!" Elicia said

Elicia and Jeremy went to see a very stupid movie that night. Jeremy began to move closer towards Elicia. After 10 minutes of snuggling with Elicia, Jeremy dropped dead from a bullet wound.

"You don't disserve my daughter, you punk!" Ghost Hughes Said  
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Elicia is given the Darwin award because Hughes will never find a man worthy enough.


	17. Kimblee

Chapter 17: Kimblee

Kimblee walked through the alleys of a city named after a pizza shop, blowing things up all the while. He eventually ran into a chick who he found annoying.

"Before I blow you up from the inside, care to share your name?" Kimblee said while grinning

"I don't know my name. I forgot it when 4kids named me after a beverage which is used to stereotype british people!" The girl said.

"Well that's too bad! Now I'm going to take a few more seconds to blow you up! That way my plan will be thwarted, and you wont die! Aren't I devilish anime character?"

Then I short guy with big hair walked around the corner.

"Get you're hands off of my slave!"

"Forget you!" Kimblee said. He then attempted to blow up the girl named after something that goes well with a crumpet, but was stopped because if he succeeded there wouldn't be a plot.

"Let's do something which brings us amusement!" The big haired midget said.

"Like a game?" Kimblee said.

"Exactly like a game! Only much more painful!"

"So what is the game?"

"We both take turns reading fanfiction! First one to complain about a fanfic shall die!"

And so the two began to read fanfictions when Kimblee came across a story called "Relationshit". I can't take this! ScarEd is my favorite pairing! How dare they make fun of its realism!

"Hah! I win! From now on everything you'll ever see will be EdWin! Hahahahah"

So Kimblee killed himself for being forced to see a realistic relationship.

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Kimblee is given a darwin award for picking on the wrong beverage.


	18. Lin

Chapter 18: Lin

Lin was on the ground. Starving as usual. Luckily he passed out in the same area in which Kimblee was killed. Only this time he was near a mansion surrounded by dragons of the white color with blue eyes.

"..." Lin said as if he were an npc from an old rpg video game.

"Hey big brother. There's some guy passed out on our front lawn."

"Shut up Mokuba!"

"Should we help him?"

"You do it. I have too much money and too little time to be expected to help needy hobos."

So Mokuba decided to let the passed out man who could not open his eyes inside their home.

"Why did you pass out?"

"_food...fo...need food..."_ Lin said in a weak voice.

"Sure, but wouldn't you rather play a game."

"_no...I want food..."_

Mokuba took Lin too a spinning table filled with childish foods and asked him to play russian roullette. Lin decided he'd eat everthing anyways so...he ate everything.

"You even ate the poisined hamburger!"

"We of the Xingeese nature have stomachs of ste...solid materials!"

Mokuba got angry and had his butlers shoot Lin.

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Lin is given the Darwin award for trusting any child related to Seto Kiaba.

**I sure have been using alot of yugioh references lately...**


	19. Father

Chapter 19: Father

"Hahaha. You can't be me! None of you can! Not you Hohenheim! Not you Edward Elric! Nobody!" Father said while he laughed (although that sounds like it's kinda' hard to do...)

"Never underestimate the power of a teenage boy!" Ed said while he pulled out his cellphone.

"It's time to duel" Ed's phone said.

"What?"

"Shinigami only eat apples." Ed's phone said again.

"No, no! It can't be!"

"Yes. It is." Ed said as he sneered.

"I'm going to be king of the pirates!" Ed's phone continued

"Please! Stop it!"

"The balls are inert."

"Please! Have mercy on my artificial soul!"

"It's over 9000!!!!!!"

"I beg of you!"

Ed turned up the volume on his phone right before the final quote. "Believe it!!"

Father exploded. Like all old people, he couldn't withstand the sheer power of well known anime quotes.  
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Father is given the darwin award for underestimating a cell phone.


	20. Rose

Chapter 20: Rose

One day Rose was baking a cake. We asked her who it was for, but she said it was a secret.

"I'm baking a cake for Ed! I read a fanfiction and it said that we'll get married and have five children. Four of them will be named after dead people and the fifth will be Ed jr."

She's very good at keeping secrets isn't she, but we have one question. Ed is no where near Leore. How will he be able to eat the cake?

"This fanfiction says that Ed will pop up and save me when I'm in danger! So I'm going to burn my house down."

So Rose left the oven on all night. It burned her house down and she died. Ed's ghost appeared about an hour after she died.

"What an idiot! Doesn't she know that I died in the second chapter?"

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**Rose is given the Darwin award for believing fanfiction. It seems that she forgot that it's fiction. She's also given a special Anime Mega Dizt award for being one of the most hated female FMA characters.**


	21. Wrath and Sloth

Chapter 21: Wrath and Sloth

The homunculi were on a field trip. Wrath was driving and Sloth was...doing slothish stuff. Suddenly a small car pulled out in front of their bus.

"Hey! Watch were you're going you fool!" Wrath said as he began shaking his fist. It wasn't much later that the homunculi were stuck behind an old couple driving their car twenty-five miles under the limit.

"Hey! Hey! Get out of the way before I run you over!" Wrath said as the car in front of them suddenly stopped. "Don't tell me they had a heart attack and died."

"I wouldn't...talking...takes too...much effort..." Sloth said while Wrath exited the bus. Wrath then walked up to the old couples car.

"Hey! You're the president! I didn't vote for you! You suck!" The old man said as he pointed at Wrath. After Wrath disposed of the two Elderly, he began to walk back to the bus. He was then ran over by a car being driven by Yoki. Sloth died of starvation because he was too lazy to go get himself some food.

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Wrath is given the darwin award for driving around old people (some old people shouldn't be driving). Sloth is given the darwin award for being...Sloth.


	22. Pinako featuring Relena

Chapter 22: Pinako featuring Relena Peacecraft

Pinako was smoking her pipe when Relena walked up to her.

"Hello miss. Nice day isn't it?" Relena said.

"I don't know who you are. Get the hell off of my property!"

"I'm Relena Peacecraft."

"I don't care! Now get off my property!"

"Do you know who Heero Yuy is?"

"No. Does he need automail?"

"I don't know, but I do know that he needs counseling."

"I'm not a shrink! Now leave or I'll call the cops!"

"Heero! Come and Kill me!"

"I'll kill you if you don't get off my property!"

Then Barry the Chopper took a bus to central, took a train to Resembool, and appeared outside Pinako's house.

"Hello! Who are you?" Relena said as she began smiling.

"I'm Barry the Chopper. Chop chopitty chop!" Barry said as he began cutting Relena into itty bitty peices.

"Good job Alphonse!"

"Alphonse? Oh, that other armour guy!" Barry said as he began chopping up Pinako.

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Pinako is given a darwin award for talking to a seriel killer. Relena doesn't get an award because nobody likes her!


	23. Jenness Jayani Jadestone

Chapter 23: Jenness Jayani Jadestone (it means 'the beautiful conqueror jadestone')

"Get off of me!" Ed said as he flopped his arms around like a dead fish.

"What's wrong brother?" Al said as he walked into Ed's room. "Oh EM JEE! Brother, I didn't know you were such a man slut! How dare you sneak some girl into your room at night!"

"It's not what you think Al! She just...appeared." Ed said as he pointed at the girl.

"It's rude to point at people with such tiny fingers." The girls said as she slapped Ed.

"Ow! What's wrong with you!" Ed said as he touched his face.

"Nothing is wrong with me!"

"Umm, who exactly are you?" Al asked the girl.

"I am Jenness Jayani Jadestone."

"So, you're a mary sue?" Ed asked the girl while sheilding his face.

"No. I'm just an original character."

"Listen Jenny, I know a mary sue when I see one."

"It's Jenness, and you're mistaken. I'm nothing like a mary sue."

"Okay, so tell me about yourself Jenness."

"Please, call me Jenny. I was born on the same exact day as you. I'm madly in love with you, but I'm going to act like I'm not. I'm a genious with an IQ over 7000. I'm super hot. My boobs are five times as big as my head, but I don't have back problems. I'll eventually get into your pants. We'll have twelve different kids who will all tragically die, thus causing me and you to angst for a few years. Then I'll die just because I feel like it. Then everyone will angst and be at my funeral even though half of them didn't know me."

"...so you're a mary sue?" Ed asked.

"No! I'm a mary sue who is in denial."

"Al. Pop her." Ed said as Al pulled out a pistol and shot Jenness.

"That was fun!"

"One mary sue down, three billion more to go." Ed said as he pushed the dead carcass with huge boobs off of him.


	24. Alternate Universe Ed

Chapter 24: Edward Elric the Sophomore (AU)

Ed was walking down the hallway of Arakawa High school. He was angsting because he had just failed his chemistry test.

"Why are you so down?" said a feminine voice.

"I failed my chemistry test. I studied all night, but I still didn't pass because I'm a moron." Ed said.

"Would a kiss make it better?" The feminine voice said.

"Yeah!" Ed said like a drooling idiot. Ed walked towards the girl who you probably thought was Winry, but this is an alternate universe where nothing makes sense. The young girl turned out to be Envy. Yes Envy is a chick in this universe. He's not a large mass of souls and bodies or Ed's half brother, Envy is a chick.

"Come on. We better get to class." Envy said after...she finished making out with Ed. The couple walked to class 140B.

"Everybody sit down and shut up, or I'll fry yo asses!" Roy said even though he realised that he this is high school and teachers aren't allowed to threaten people like that. "Did anyone forget to do their assignment?"

"My dog ate it sir," Riza said. In this universe Riza is Ed's age because the fanfic author prefers seeing Roy hit on a child.

"That's okay. Meet me after class in my private closet without your clothes...I mean with your assignment!" Roy said, "Okay, who wants to present first?"

"I will!" Armstrong said.

"Nerd! Loser! Overly huge Freak!" The class chanted.

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO TALL THAT THEY HIT THEIR HEAD ON THE ROOF OF THEIR CAR WHEN THEY GET OUT?!" Armstrong yelled as he sparkled, because in this universe tall people are ridiculed instead of midgets.

"Shut up, and present your project," Roy said as he eyed Riza, who was feeling her boobs. Armstrong pulled out his project which was not perfect at all.

"Behold! The inability to create art which has been passed down through the Armstrong family for generations."

"Stop shouting and calm down!" Roy said as he pulled out a porno magazine even though he's in a classroom.

"This is my show and tell project! It's my family crest!" Armstrong said as he pulled out a rubber chicken.

"F" Roy said without looking up from his magazine. "Next"

Lin walked up to the front of the class. He was a foreign exchange student who could actually open his eyes.

"Zisblash, tadash, hanilosh gosh!" Lin said in Xingeese.

"Oh, he's so dreamy! How could he possibly be single!" All of the girls in the class said because all chicks think that Foreign exchange students are hot.

"F" Roy said, "I can't even understand you. Learn english."

Then Ed walked up to the front. "This is my project." Ed said as he pointed to a bloody limb. "It's my old arm. It would still be attached to me if it weren't for my dumb jock of a brother! I hate him! He killed mom!" Ed said as ran over to Al and began beating on him.

"Your just jealous because I got my body back," Al said as he pushed Ed off, "You're also jealous because I'm the varsity quarterback, I get laid daily, and I'm constantly drinking alcohol."

"F" Roy said as he popped in a porno dvd into his portable dvd player, "Next."

Scar walked up to the front of the class, "This is my project," Scar said as he pulled off his jacket. A bomb was strapped to his waist (1). "Since I'm dark skinned I'm automatically a terrorist, so I decided to blow myself up today," Scar said as he detonated the bomb. Everyone died.

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Alternate Universe Ed and every other alternate universe character get the darwin award for being over abundant and annoying.

(1) Fu is too cool to kill. I decided this after he attempted to blow himself up along with King Bradley. Epique Awsomeness!


	25. Russel and Hakuro

Chapter 25: Russel and General Hakuro

It's been many months since Ed's death, and because of that Russel hasn't had anyone to impersonate, therefore leaving him out of the job. The camera now zooms in on Russel who is now a transexual prostitute named Rebecca.

"Vy so sad my candy? Cheer up, follow the newkama way!" Ivankov told Russel.

"I'm tired of your stupid 'newkama way'! I'm leaving, maybe I can get a real job at mcdonalds or something!" Russel...Rebecca said as she left the bar which was never mentioned in the opening sentence. Russel walked up to the first Mcdonalds he could find. He interveiwed for the job, and well...got it. Rebecca enjoyed his...her new job. She was the head cashier.

"I'd like to order one Big-Mac with everything on it," General Hakuro said while holding his hand inside his suit.

"That will be $5.43," Rebecca said as she opened the cash register. Hakuro immediately pulled out a gun and pointed it at Rebecca, a group of men with black trashbags over their heads emerged from the ceiling, under the tables, and the bathroom.

"Nobody move and I promise I'll kill you quickly!" Hakuro said as he walked around the corner and grabbed Rebecca, "Your pretty hot, how about a kiss?"

"Ummm...I'm actually a guy," Rebecca said as she pulled her pants down.

"How dare you try to infatuate me! For that you will die!" Hakuro said as he shot at Rebecca who somehow ran away.

"Who are you shooting at boss!" The thugs said.

"Take the bags off your heads you morons!"

"Oh...no wonder everything's so dark," The thugs said as they removed their bags.

"I want you to get all of the money to the truck, you can set the charges, and you...you can get me my burger," Hakuro said as he ran to the truck.

Not much later the bomb went off.

"I want you to check and see that the man dressed like a woman is dead," Hakuro said as he directed one of the thugs.

"I'm pretty sure everyone in there is dead."

"I wont be satisfied until I see her, I mean his, body!" Hakuro said as he ran inside and found Rebecca's body. "HAH! I WIN! I told you that I'd kill you. What do you say to that?"

Rebecca sat up and kissed Hakuro, "I just gave you 27 std's. See you in hell!"

Hakuro died a few day's later in a hospitol bed.

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**Russel is given the darwin award for working at Mcdonalds. Hakuro is given the Darwin Award for allowing a trans-gender Russel kiss him.**


	26. Oliver Armstrong, Buccaneer, and Others

Chapter 26: Oliver Armstrong, Buccaneer, and others

It is a really cold day at briggs...although it always is. Anyways, Oliver decided to take her troops out for a relaxing swim.

"Come on! I give you worthless pigs one day of relaxation and you don't want to leave the base!" Oliver said while the camera zoomed in on her huge lips, "Get that camera out of my face!"

"Well...ummm...isn't it a little cold to go swimming? It's -52 degrees outside!" Fallman said.

"Hey! You're already dead Fallman! You're not allowed to make an appearance anymore!" Oliver said as she replaced Fallman with a young fanfic author who's name will not be mentioned.

"Is it really all right to take a 12 year old girl out into the cold and make her swim in a frozen lake?" Buccaneer asked.

"Of course not! That's why we're doing it!" Oliver said as she somehow dragged everyone to the lake.

"God damn it's cold!" The fanfic author said in a very bitchy manner.

"You've got an attitude! That's what I like in women." Oliver said to mi...the fanfic author.

"ARE YOU HITTING ON ME!?"

"Yes, I am. You got a problem? Buccaneer, you go in first!" Oliver said as Buccaneer jumped in.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! MAH BALLZ BE FROZEN! AHHHHHHHHH"

"See, he's fine. Your turn," Oliver said as she pushed everyone else in.

"AHHH! To $%#ing cold! AHHHH!" the fafic author said as she died.

"AHHHHHHHHHHH!" The other soldiers said as they either died or got their...manly parts frozen.

"WIMPS! YOU'RE ALL WIMPS!" Oliver said as she dove under the surface. She didn't float back up...we think something ate her...

* * *

Oliver Armstrong is given the darwin award for being a drag queen...i mean ice queen! Buccaneer is given a darwin award for freezin his ballz off. The unnamed fanfic author is given a darwin award for swimming in a frozen lake :D.


	27. May and Xiao Mei

Chapter 26: May

May was on the set of "Will it blend"

A man named Tom, who was wearing a funky lab coat and some equipment appeared and said, "Will it blend? That is the question."

"OOOOOOHHHH!" May said in a very childish manner. I'm going to be on the Internet!"

"I was told today, that my show was going to be shut down because I encourage people to use the blendtech blender on everything. So today I decided that I'd tick PETA off."

"Hi Mister! What part of the show am in today?!" May said very happily.

"Today we'll be blending a cat." Tom said as he picked Xiao Mei off of May's shoulder.

"Oh! How lucky! Xiao Mei gets to be an internet phenomenom!"

"I think I'll set it to smoothie," Tom said as he put Xiao Mei into the blender and turned it on.

The blender immediately started to be filled up with blood and fur and other disturbing things that I don't feel like mentioning. After it got done Tom opened the lid of the blender.

"Foreign pet smoke. Don't breathe this."

"Wow! So, where's Xiao Mei?"

"Oh, your cat? It's right here."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" May said as she jumped into the blender and set it to health drink. May died after a few seconds.

"...foreign girl smoke...don't breathe this!" Tom said as the credits rolled.

* * *

May and Xiao Mei are given the darwin awards for being blended to death.


	28. Alex Loius Armstrong

Chapter 28: Alex Louis Armstrong

'Twas a beautiful day for the fanfiction community. The children were being released from the educational facilities (also known as hell), the birds were singing, and a man was seen walking up the driveway of the Armstrong Estate. Now, this man, although never mentioned, had actually had a very active role of this fanfiction. No, it wasn't the author, nor the Norwegian man in the library with the knife. No, this man...well...this man was...important. So important that the plot centered almost completely around him. Oh...wait...no, that's a lie. This character was just fabricated for the plot, kinda like arufonz...I mean Alphonse.

"God I hate my job," The man said as he began to wipe his feet on the Armstrong's doormat, "This is number seven of the week."

The door to the estate opened swiftly right as the man began to reach for the doorbell.

"Why hello my good sir!" Father Armstrong* said rather gleefully.

"Oh! Ummm...sorry, I was just...uhh..."

"Is something the matter?"

"No! I mean...yes. Err...well...I have some news for you." The man said as he looked towards the ground.

"Well...why don't you come on in?" Father Armstrong said as he motioned for a maid to bring him and his guest some drinks. "So, you mentioned some news? Does...does it involve my son?"

The man continued to look down towards the ground.

Father Armstrong looked at the man with an intense glare, "Why are you so quiet?"

"...I...it's...just..."

"LOOK AT A MAN WHEN YOU'RE SPEAKING TO HIM!"

The man looked at father Armstrong immediately and noticed him crying.

"He's...dead isn't he? My...my only son? First Olivier and now Alex?"

"...yes...suicide..."

"Suicide! You're telling me...that he committed suicide? Why?"

"Well...I can tell you how it happened..."

* * *

Only three days ago, Armstrong was sitting outside in his garden, planting some beautiful white roses.

"PLANTING ROSES IS A SKILL THAT HAS BEEN PASSED DOWN THROUGH THE ARMSTRONG FAMILY FOR GENERATIONS!" Armstrong yelled rather passionately.

Only seconds later a neighbor yelled out at Armstrong and threw a brick at him, "SHUT THE HELL UP!"

Armstrong caught the brick. "THE ART OF CATCHING BRICKS HAS BEEN PASSED DOWN THROUGH THE ARMSTRONG FAMILY FOR GENERATIONS!"

"AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!"

A few moments later the front gate of Armstrong's residence opened. A small man began to walk towards him.

"Hello? Are you Alex Louis Armstrong?"

"Why indeed I am!" Armstrong said.

"YEAH! THAT'S THE JACKASS THAT WONT EVER SHUT UP!"

"Pardon my neighbor's bad attitude, he's been very cranky lately."

"I'LL SHOW YOU CRANKY YOU STUCK UP PRICK!"

"Ummm...anyways, I have some news for you, Mr. Armstrong."

Armstrong look up at the man, "Well why don't you come inside. It would be wrong to force you to wait out here!"

"Oh! Why thank you." The man said as he followed Armstrong inside.

Armstrong showed the man to the living room.

"So, my friend, what news do you have to bestow upon me?" Armstrong said as he pulled out a notebook and a pen.

"Ummm...well...I really don't think you'll need that."

"Of course I will! I always draw portraits of my visitors as they sit in my chair. See! I have many pictures all over the walls!" Armstrong said as he looked at the man very sharply.

"...well...anyways...I need to tell you the news."

"Sure, what is it?"

"Your...sister...she...died."

Armstrong dropped his notebook. "What?"

"...she's...dead..."

"That's what I thought you said." Armstrong said as he stood up and walked towards a cabinet.

"I'm...sorry for your loss..."

Armstrong reached into the cabinet and pulled out a box.

"...what...are you doing?" the man said as Armstrong started sticking needles into himself.

"Overdosing on muscle enhancers."

"WAIT! WHAT?" The man said as he stood up.

"My sister always wins everything! She won my parents favor! She won the promotions! She always got first in our cooking competitions! She even wins at dying first! Well no longer! I'll win for the most manly death! FOR THE ART OF MANLY DEATHS HAS BEEN PASSED ON THROUGH THE ARMSTRONG FAMILY!" Armstrong said as he fell to the ground.

"...but she jumped into a frozen pool of water...and froze to death...I'm pretty sure that took more balls then injecting steroids into herself..."

Armstrong looked at the man weirdly and then became angry, "DAMN IT! NOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Then he died.

* * *

"So...yeah...that's how it happened."

Father Armstrong got up and walked towards a replica statue of armor.

"Wait...don't tell me."

"My children were both so...brave! But they know nothing of manly!" Father Armstrong picked up the sword being held by the armor, "Real men cut their bellies!"

"WAIT! WHAT ARE YOU THINKING!" The man said as he ran towards Father Armstrong.

"Seppuku!" Father Armstrong yelled as he cut his belly, "Now that's how it's done!"

"...I hate my job..."

* * *

Armstrong is given the darwin award for being a steroid addict.

Father Armstrong (don't know his full name) is given the darwin award for being a retarted twat.

**Well...it's over. Thank you for reading the FMA Darwin Awards.** **Hopefully this chapter met expectations.**


	29. Note

Okay, I was told by people that they were incapable of reviewing chapter 28. If you want to review that chapter, then do so here. It would be appreciated.

Thank you,

**_Muten Azuki._**


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